“you suddenly complete me”

I’d forgotten about the song “Hysteric” by Yeah Yeah Yeahs, from the album “It’s Blitz!” When I was first listening to that album over a decade or so ago, the song that I kept replaying over and over was “Soft Shock”. “Hysteric” would come on later in the album, and I would definitely sit up and notice the song whenever it played, but it was never my go-to song.

Fast forward to several nights ago. Home alone, random Spotify playlist playing in the background. “Hysteric” comes on. And for the first time, I really notice the lyrics — or rather, the one line repeating, “You suddenly complete me. You suddenly complete me.” It is absolutely gorgeous, it is absolutely perfect, and I am falling in love all over again with Karen O’s voice. I am home alone, swaying as this song washes over me, and falling in love.

And while it is a beautiful, gorgeous song, I know and am okay with knowing that it’s not going to be true for me. There isn’t going to be — by choice — “the one” that completes me. I am working on being a whole complete person by myself, after being in a very long relationship that engulfed me. That swallowed me whole. I lost myself so much, who I was, when I let someone “complete” me. When I let someone else define my wholeness, even though I never truly felt whole with that person. I am working on completing my self, by myself — not in isolation, but on my own terms. I receive love, and joy, and wisdom from so many people in my life, and those gifts help me realize the whole person I am, and who I am becoming as I grow, and as I change.

I know that I can love people better when I can share a whole heart and a whole self with them. A heart that doesn’t need to rely on someone or something else to make it feel whole or full. Does my heart feel full when I am near or around certain people? Yes. I also know that I am still a whole lovable person when they are not close to me. My heart is full knowing that the people I love are not wanting for happiness or joy.

And there are people who complete certain moments in time. When you reunite with your old grade team at work, and you relish in that moment because you have a shared bond. When you meet up with a certain group of friends, and it doesn’t feel quite right until that last person shows up. When you spot your date before they see you, and for those few seconds you watch them waiting for you, and your heart fills with warmth and your body feels electric as you see and appreciate the whole beautiful person they are — because they, too, are their own whole person. Those are real moments. Those are times when yes, somebody completes that moment. I have lived all of those moments and I will again. But there will not be that one person outside of myself who controls all of those moments. Who controls what it means for me to feel happy, to feel loved, to feel complete.